The troll is out of her cave and loving some rap music

I have not been in a good place. Very dark hole. When Ryan and I started trying to get pregnant for the first time and it didn’t happen I was very depressed and had to call in reinforcements in the form of some happy pills…they did wonders and just helped ease my tension and anxiety. Since then I have bouts of depression…just random…

Well, I think last week being sick maybe triggered up some feelings. I was being mean, I was saying things I didn’t mean, I was crying at NOTHING, I was very sensitive, etc. I once again went into that dark hole. On Sunday night I was bawling after Hagen went to bed and was trying to explain to Ryan that I had Post Partum feelings again…I couldn’t explain it. Now, Ryan is the sweetest non-confrontational person you will ever meet. He was at a loss of what to do. He was just staring at me and I told him, “Don’t just sit there and stare at me” and then got up and went to take a bath. I cried in the bath for 45 minutes and he didn’t check on me or anything…went to bed crying and he didn’t come in…I felt lost. I was also mad at my Mom and couldn’t really pinpoint what I was mad about.

I talked to my doctor yesterday and got on some pills…I already feel better but that could be a mental thing like, OK…help has arrived. Ryan and my Mom ARE my support system. Yes, you ladies are a big part of that support too, but I confide in them the most. I think the worst thing I can hear when I am in this funk is, “Ya, you have been acting weird lately” or “Yes, I have noticed you have been a bit down” because that for some reason makes me feel like they have been secretly talking behind my back (which is not the case) about what a crazy wack job I am.

I talked to Ryan on Monday night and apologized and told him I know he had NO idea what to do with me and told him if it happens again to just give me a hug and he doesn’t have to say anything at all…honestly…just hugging me and letting me know that he’s there is all I needed. To be honest, I would have been scared of me too on Sunday….it was not pretty and not something I am proud of.

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SO, on other things, my family hasn’t talked to my older brother and his wife and their 3 precious babies (not anymore) in 3 years. It is sad..we have honestly done EVERYTHING we can but they choose to keep themselves separate from all of us. Sadder that they live 5 minutes from me…

Well, Hagen was listening to “Hillbilly Bone” on my phone (he loves that song) and was pushing buttons and playing around with it. Then it went silent…I said, “Hagen let me see that..” He gave it to me and it was Matt’s home phone! Out of ALL the people I have in my phone (I’m a recruiter remember) he had to pick their home phone to prank call! I gasped and hit end….it was only 3 seconds, but my heart stopped…my word…

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I love LOVE LOVE the song “Pretty Boy Swag”…go on…go listen to it…and yes, I am a secret lover of Rap music. Now, make sure no young ears are around if you play the unedited version… I heard it on the way to work this morning and it is my new fav…

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I will be posting my diet in the next post or two. It is a FABULOUS diet and you can lose weight the healthy way for sure! I’m not hungry during the day…maybe just a bit unsatisfied…like a big hunk of chocolate cake would be nice!!

It shows you how many grams of carbs and protein to eat at each meal….I have learned a lot from it!!

Tata,
Carrie